


Trust Is A Two Way Street

by meganashleen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s09e16 Blade Runners, First Blade, Gen, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-02
Updated: 2014-05-02
Packaged: 2018-01-21 14:17:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1553375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meganashleen/pseuds/meganashleen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happened in Blade Runners after Dean was taken by Magnus and Sam and Crowley had to spend some quality time together. Not slash, just good old fashioned emotional angst, and some inner emotional turmoil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trust Is A Two Way Street

“You’re going to need another set of hands once you get in there. Unless you have other volunteers in mind.”

As I looked through the files Crowley kept talking. Looked like the guy couldn’t take a hint.

“Thanks, pass.” I spat at him. 

I infused as much of my anger and built up disgust into those two words as possible. If I could keep Crowley upset, wounded and defensive maybe he would retreat into himself.

Who was I kidding? Crowley couldn’t ley go of anything that easily. No matter how nice it would be for him to just shut his mouth for 5 minutes so I could actually try and come up with a way to get Dean back. 

“Memory serves me, I’m the one who helped you brother find Cain, so that we could find the blade, so that Dean could receive the mark. I’m the one that flushed that lout Gadreel out of your noggin. So, lately big boy I’ve seen more playing time then you.”

“Crowley. Will you please. Shut. The Hell. Up.” I didn’t need another reminder of how useless I had been. My brother had to turn to someone else again instead of me, this time a demon. The King of Hell. Nothing had changed. No matter what Dean had said in the church, or what Gadreel had spewed at me while wearing my brother’s face. 

I lifted my head to look at the demon again. The expression on Crowley’s face was becoming a familiar one. I could see the cracks in his psyche showing on his face as if someone was drawing them onto his skin. The manic glint in his eyes that shone with guilt and fear and hope. I knew that expression well from all of the times I had seen it gazing back at me from the mirror. I remember when I had been hooked on demon blood; I would spend hours at night looking into my own eyes in the reflective glass. Looking to try and make sure that I could still see a spark of humanity behind the poison in my veins. After Lucifer was freed I began to look how Crowley did now. Pleading, hopeful, desperate, guilty, disgusted…

“What’s the matter moose?” I looked up to see Crowley moving closer. “Don’t want to hear about how I’ve been helping out squirrel? Been helping you? I’ve been useful and I’ve cooperated, and I deserve respect! I deserve trust!”

That was my breaking point.

“I can’t trust you!” I shouted, dropping the box of file to the ground.

Advancing on Crowley I kept yelling, “I want to alright! I want to believe you changed but I cant!”   
I force myself to stop. Pulling myself together I turn away from Crowley and lean heavily on the roof of the Impala. 

The desperation that I saw in Crowley… it reminded me too much of how I was when Dean was in hell, how I was again when Lucifer had been freed, and again during the trials. I had been willing to do whatever it took. It was almost laughable how much of myself I saw in Crowley’s broken self. I suppose it was fitting… the boy with the demon blood and the King of Hell having so much in common. That was just the point though; Crowley was a demon. Even if we’d sparked a bit of humanity in him he was still dangerous. I had to remember that. I wouldn’t screw up by trusting a demon again. Not again.

“You’re a demon and I can’t trust you.” I let the words out in a monotone voice, holding back any signs of emotion.

I turned back to face Crowley briefly before looking away. I had to remind myself that the hurt in his eyes wasn’t real, couldn’t be real.

Reaching down to pick the box of files from the ground, I settled myself back into my previous position; sitting down on the back seat of the car, legs out the open door with my boots planted firmly on the ground as if I could anchor myself back together by trying hard enough. 

Huh, it was almost laughable. Trying to keep ‘both feet planted firmly on the ground.’

Crowley didn’t want to give up though.

“Hitting a bit too close to home? I remember another demon you had no problem trusting once upon an apocalypse. That didn’t work out so well for you though did it Sam?” his voice was condescending now, bitter and lashing out.

I buried my head further into the box, trying to block out his words. I knew this feeling as well, the sting of knowing you weren’t good enough to be trusted, even when someone else who you had seen as worse than you in so many way was allowed in. Another demon, or in Sam’s case more recently, a vampire. 

“I’m sorry.” 

My voice was barely a whisper, just a breath and almost inaudible to my own ears but when Crowley looked up to meet my gaze before I refocused on my task I knew he had heard what I said.

Clearing my throat I pulled out one of the files from behind the one that I had been reading and passed it over to Crowley. If he noticed the slight tremor to my hands when he took the papers he said nothing about it.

“Make yourself useful and look through that. See if you can find anything that’ll be able to help.”

Crowley kept looking at me for a few minutes before turning his attention to the file that was in his grasp. It gave me some hope that with time, maybe, I would have a reason to be able to trust him. That I might get some proof that people can change, become better than what they were supposed to be by their nature.

 

After I told Dean that we should kill Crowley I could see him debating it. I really didn’t want to have to kill him anymore, not after he had helped, not after seeing him with that glimmer of humanity. But this was what Dean expected me to do, and I couldn’t loose Dean’s trust, not again. 

The feeling of being gripped tightly over the surface of my body jolted me from my thoughts as I was spun with immense force into the side of the Impala along with Dean. Hearing Crowley’s voice ring in my ears right after re-ignited my receding sense of dread.

“You know, boys, I'm in debt to you. You forced sobriety on me, and now I can see the situation for what it is. Dean, you are quite the killing machine. And it occurs to me that Abaddon is not the only name on your list. My name must be up there, as well.”

Crowley made to move forward and take the blade when Dean spoke up.

“It's no good to you without me.”

Crowley made a show of considering that statement before responding to Dean statement with a look of exasperation. As if he was tired of having to explain his thoughts to the ‘idiots’ he needed to work with.

“Yes, but as long as I have it, it's no good to you.”

Crowley reached out a hand and drew the blade to him. Holding it in his hand he turned and looked at me dead on.

“Now, this is the way it's going to go -- I'll hang on to old donkey teeth here until such time as you locate Abaddon. Then you'll destroy her.” 

As Crowley kept talking I could feel the small glimmer of hope that had begun to grow in me being crush beneath the feeling of knowing that I’d screwed up again. That I had begun to put faith in a demon only to once again have it ruin anything that had been going well for us.

He looked right into my eyes as he finished his little speech, “You're right, moose. You can't trust me. But, sadly, I can't trust you, either.” 

With that final statement the last of my hope for change was extinguished.


End file.
